Base

DEAR ANDY,

You’ve been very clingy lately. Since we put you in daycare, you seem to be having a little trouble letting go. I’ll take the extra cuddles and I love you holding me tight and calling for mommy like I’m your home. But it breaks my heart also. I know that it’s good for you to have this time away from me and that you’re learning and growing every day. You’re getting some fun things out of exploring and socializing that I couldn’t give you. But I do understand your fear of separation. And I understand how love can make us fearful of being alone. I want to talk to you a little more about that, and let you in on my own experience in hopes that one day it sheds light on your own.

This week your father and I celebrate our 6 year anniversary of marriage. We’ve actually been together for 13 years, since college. It’s never lost on me how lucky I am to know your father…how lucky we both are, in fact. We’ve had our struggles. We’ve come apart and together again more times than I can count, and at the end of the day, I am grateful. I love spending time with you, Andy. My days are filled with a combination of work and joy because of you. Some days it’s scary because I don’t know what I’m doing. And sometimes it’s lonely because a child can’t interact the way adults sometimes need to feel met. So the happiest moments of my life currently, in addition to your smile and laugh, are spent in bed watching Netflix with your dad.

Every night, we wrap up and discuss our day. We talk about the following day or weeks and what needs to be done. We make fun of each other. Quite often. And sometimes we’ll make popcorn or eat watermelon in bed. We’re watching Mad Men right now. We’ve seen it before, but we enjoy watching it anyway. The truth is, I think I’d be happy to spend those moments staring at the wall. As long as I’m with your dad, it would be a completely fulfilling experience. At the end of the day, in our tiny apartment which is usually cluttered, and in our bedroom which is badly decorated, I feel more at home and at peace than at any other time in my life. In these moments, after long days of exploration and growing, I get to relax with someone who understands me. Every night is a slumber party, where the last words you say to your best friend are “Hey, are you awake?” and then “Good night.” Somehow this setup is an exquisite wish fulfilled, one that I didn’t even ask for.

I think of the advice people give when searching for a romantic partner. “Marry your best friend” comes to mind. Also, “Be with someone who makes you laugh.” I agree these are both stellar recommendations. If you find yourself looking I’d say that’s a good place to start. Your father is those things for me. And more. He’s so much of how I know myself. He’s my teacher and my challenge, much like you are. But there’s also a sense of security he provides for me, as I do for you. He’s the place I begin and end my day. It’s like when kids play hide and seek, there’s a place that we all begin. It’s our place of security, where we know and can confirm we are safe. We run away from that place and find adventure and joy and challenge. But we always keep our eye on the spot where we are headed. We always come back to base.

Your father is my base. He’s the place I start and move around. I can grow and run as far away as my adventures take me, because I know if I need to, I can run back and touch base. I place my hand against the bark of the tree that is his arm, and proudly proclaim “BASE” because I’ve made it. At the end of every day, I make my way back and I try not to brag. Because it’s not everyone that gets to find a tree this steady. Not everyone gets to run around knowing how supported they are, and that safety is just a hurried sprint away.

Don’t ever believe for a second that love does not require work. Love and work are synonymous. You must find something you love so deeply that work is the inevitable task you pursue because you couldn’t find yourself anywhere else. The same is true for relationships. Love is work, work is love. And if you’re wondering to yourself, is this my person? Is this who I’m “meant” to share my life with? Is this what love is, really? I ask you to investigate. Laughter?Check. Best friend? Check. And then… is this your base…the beginning and end of your day with you and your freedom in the middle? Are you able to be yourself and to grow forward into better versions of you? Are you encouraged to move away from, to run toward when it’s necessary, and to celebrate your efforts when you win? Is this your place of safety when you lose? Are you home?

Andy, your father and I are your first base. We are here for you at the end and at the beginning. And you will always be safe with us. But in your day, I encourage you to find yourself. And I’ll always root for your growth and celebrate your achievements. I’ll wait strong and patient as a tree. And I’ll revel in the hug I get from you at the end of every day, and feel such fulfillment in knowing I provide you strength. Your dad does this for me. Love will take you many places, the most of which will involve finding your next base. And I wish that for you. So for now, go find a creative place to take up space. Run around and challenge yourself to move far away from base. Because we are always here for you to come back to. And when you look for love, let it be the tree that calls you home.