Guidelines
DEAR ANDY,
Recently, there’s been a lot of conversation around sexual harassment and assault in the media and in my circle of friends. President Trump, Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton, and many other men in positions of power have been accused of harassment and assault. This week, it came to light that Harvey Weinstein harassed multiple women, women he knew in what should have been a professional setting. He’s a big Hollywood honcho, who will most likely be obsolete by the time you read this. But in his time, he’s been influential as a producer of popular films. I waited on Mr. Weinstein in Manhattan in my early 20’s. He was flanked by two thin, beautiful blond women probably slightly younger than me at the time. I remember seeing him and thinking “Oh. So it really is like this out here.” Meaning, that men in positions of power willingly succumbed to the stereotype of using women as hired arm candy to elevate their stature and inflate their sense of self. But the truth is, Andy, it’s like that everywhere. There’s never been a time in my life that I haven’t been surrounded by men who use their power over women to demean, mock, abuse, harass, or even rape. And it never seemed odd to me until recently. Only now, as a mother in my thirties, am I starting to understand the way I’ve viewed men and women and reflect on the ways I’ve allowed myself and others to be treated.
As a young woman, it was very important for me to be liked. I think this is a common theme for young women. Females are taught from an early age to expect that boys will not be able to control themselves and their impulses, and that it is our responsibility as girls and women to enforce boundaries. We grow up thinking, therefore, that if we are victim to unwanted advances, we have failed to do the very thing we were taught to do. If we don’t put up enough resistance, be it by wearing more clothing or rejecting men as overtly as possible, we are at fault. But we are also taught to be polite, and we are brought up in a world where men have the power, so we must at all times seek to charm, appease, and use our feminine wiles while also remaining vigilant against unwanted advances, lest we fall prey to being tarnished. It’s exhausting, Andy. And boys in our society don’t experience the same expectation or training regarding how to behave toward the opposite sex. It’s bullshit. And I’m here to to tell you as your mother, it stops with you and me.
I know it can be confusing, and I never want you to feel that you are without confidence when pursuing romantic relationships. But the truth is, you’re going to need be conscious of your interactions with men and women and it’s my responsibility to teach you right from wrong. Many men in society are abusing their power over women. It’s not just those who are wealthy, or white, or of a certain age. When you were born, with white skin and male, you inherited a certain amount of privilege others won’t possess. And I’d be lying if I said that didn’t bring me some selfish sense of relief. But it is my responsibility to tell you how you should not behave because of your inherent privilege. Because of history and societal conditioning, men have more power than women. They are paid more, they are often given more respect in the workplace, and historically speaking, they have held the decision making power over home and country for centuries. Although that is beginning to shift, it’s important for you to recognize that if at any time you are unaware of this “power” you have simply for being male, you may likely make mistakes or misconstrue social cues. You need to pay attention and you need to know this: WOMEN ARE PEOPLE.
There are good men who don’t need to have this explained to them. And I pray one day you’ll be one. I hope that by seeing me slay everyday and by seeing my relationship of friendship and partnership with your dad you’ll see that women and men are equal, but in case it’s not clear, I need to lay out some guidelines. I ask your EV Linda all the time how she raised two feminist men. Your Uncle Eli and your Dad are two the most respectful men I’ve met when it comes to equal treatment of the sexes, and I always want to know how she and Meena taught them to see women as people. The best thing I can do, Andy, is teach you from my mistakes. Because although I’m not a man, I’ve certainly been subject to harassment and silent in the face of it when I should not have been. I’ve been a victim and perpetrator myself, in my own silence and self doubt, and I don’t want you to do that. So here are some guidelines for how to behave, based on things that were done to me and around me.
Starting NOW, keep your hands to yourself. DO NOT look up a girl’s skirt, touch her body or attempt to take her clothing (hair accessories included).
Don’t holler at a woman in the street. Unless you’re warning her that she’s about to get hit by a bus, there’s no need and it’s unacceptable.
If you are a college professor, or in a position of teaching, remember that your students are not your equals, no matter their age. They are there to learn from you, NOT to date you. NEVER make advances or flirtations toward a student. Never walk in on a student naked in a dressing room, or insinuate they will receive special treatment for allowing or accepting advances. Never tell a student it’s their job to “be sexier” if they want to get a part or that they need to lose weight to be more attractive. In short, don’t be an asshole. If you can’t follow these guidelines, please don’t teach.
If you are a high school or college student, DO NOT touch or grope a girl or woman without her consent. If she seems shocked and uncomfortable or recoils at your touch, YOU HAVE MADE A MISTAKE. Cease activity and apologize. Ask for forgiveness. Communicate your embarrassment at having misread the cues. Don’t take it personally, but for the love of God, do not proceed. Good men know NO MEANS NO. If you can’t follow these guidelines, please don’t date.
If you are in a fraternity or group of men, do not allow rape to go unreported. If you see mistreatment of women in ANY form- from the way they are spoken about when they aren’t around to defend themselves, to rape itself- CALL IT OUT. Communicate. Call out friends that are wrong. Rape is rape. IT IS NEVER OK to have sex with a woman who is unconscious. I can’t believe I even have to say that but friends of mine have had this done to them. IT IS NEVER OK to proceed having sex with a woman who changes her mind about it. Again, can’t believe I have to say it, but many I know walk around not realizing or admitting to themselves that they RAPED women. If you can’t follow these guidelines, remove yourself from any group that promotes toxic masculinity.
If you have a daughter one day, do not teach her that women are less than men. Don’t shame her for wearing a bikini or tell her that wearing an ankle bracelet makes her look like a prostitute. Don’t slap her on the ass, especially not well into her teens, and do not mock her feelings at any time, ESPECIALLY if she communicates to you how she wants to be treated. Do not hold her to a different standard for dating, speaking, or being in the world than you do your sons. Do not make her feel her value is in how well she can keep a home or catch a man. If you can’t follow these guidelines, please do not have children.
If you are ever boss, manager, or leader in a place of work, DO NOT touch coworkers, make jokes, or insinuate anything even remotely sexual to people who work for you. This is incredibly basic. Don’t give demeaning nicknames, don’t reward flirtatious behavior, and never make unwanted advances. Again, super basic. But I’ve had friends who were fired for not having sex with the boss. FACT. This is literally what it’s like to be a woman.
I’m going to raise you to be a feminist man of integrity, Andy. You’re my strong little snowflake. I’m going to teach you that your feelings count and should be voiced, and that the same rule applies to EVERYONE you meet. If you have any questions about any of this, ask anyone you trust and admire. Surround yourself with other men and women of integrity. At the end of the day, respecting others starts with respecting yourself, so make sure that’s your foremost priority. Integrity is about the consistency of treating others how you wish to be treated. You’re a good person and a good man. Let that be a light that you share with the world. Look out for others and speak up for what is right, and when you falter, I’ll be here to guide you.
With great conviction and love always,
Mom
