Thick Skin
DEAR ANDY,
This morning you were wearing your dinosaur pajamas and I asked what a dinosaur says, as I always do. You said “Roar?” which is unusual because you usually scream “ROAR!!!”. But I know how you feel. Sometimes, I feel uncertain of who I am and my own inner power. Criticism from others can especially impact the way we feel about ourselves, and I worry about you heading into your childhood because sometimes kids can be mean. Hell, adults can be mean. And it’s my job to remind you of how to roar throughout your life, so that you can get to where you’re going.
When I was growing up and would feel bad about a criticism or rejection or failure, my mother would tell me I had better grow a thicker skin. This was a recurring conversation we’d have. I’d be feeling low and filled with shame, because I didn’t get a part in a play or someone said something mean about me. And I’d come to her crying. She’d tell me I needed a thick skin. I remember being in high school and worrying that maybe I didn’t have the ability to grow thick skin. I always took things personally. I’ve always been vulnerable and susceptible to the opinions of others, and often seek approval. As I get older, however, and as I’m becoming the woman and mother I need to be to guide you, I realize now that having a thick skin isn’t what is required of us.
People in your life will offer you tough love for two very admirable reasons: 1. They HATE to see you in pain, and want your suffering to end as quickly as possible. (This is about THEIR pain, not yours). 2. They believe in you and see clear to your highest self, and want to remind you of who you truly are. This is what love does. It gives us see-through glasses into someone’s soul, where we can visualize the great things they will do and the deepest strength they possess. This is how I feel about everyone I love, but especially you. This is how my mother felt about me.
I learned resilience not by listening to the words of my mother, but by watching her example. I watched her break a million times, only to put herself back together again. I watched my mother cry, rage, scream, fight, hug, love, and apologize when she was wrong. I watched her make the decision, again and again, to get back up. She didn’t have a thick skin. She was penetrable. And I believe, this above all else, is what makes us strong.
The truth is, Andy, we are comprised of millions of cells, all of which are structured, yet permeable. And this is how we all are, despite how fixed we wish we could be. We are vulnerable to being made to feel bad about ourselves, depending on the feedback from others. And the question isn’t whether or not it affects you, but how it affects you. Hillary Clinton said “Take criticism seriously, but not personally.” This is a great place to start. As with your cells, you are constantly letting out and taking in. It’s your choice what you choose to take in, and what you choose to let out.
When faced with rejection, it’s ok to feel shame. It’s ok to question who you are and to be uncertain. It’s ok to have an identity crisis, and it’s ok to feel sad. SOMETIMES, it’s even ok to quit. Allowing ourselves to feel the feelings of failure and rejection is how we gain strength going forward. When we fail, we confront our fear, and it becomes small in comparison to our anticipation of it. We stand in our ground firm after failure, having questioned what went wrong and deciding what better to do next time. There is a place for regret and a time to humility. But don’t for a second confuse someone else’s truth for you own. Your critics and bullies alike will project their own insecurities on to you, and your mentors will strive to make you better. Let this shape you, but don’t let it define you.
To be honest, if someone can talk you out of what you’re doing, you probably shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. LOVE, true love, of what you do and of who you are will always be your North star. It will keep you on track even when criticism or praise derails you. Love will always guide you back to your purpose and help you get back on your path. Putting yourself out there authentically, whether it be with your emotions, your talent, or your deeds, will always meet with mixed reviews. It’s not your job to curate a response from others, but to be true to yourself and your calling.
Right now at bedtime, we are reading a book from your cousins David and Bayla. It’s called “If You Listen” and I love it. It’s all about how you can find wisdom in the trees and in the wind and nature. Each line ends with “If you listen” and you always whisper the word “Listen…” it’s so freaking cute I can’t even tell you. But you are, as always, my guide for what to do. And you remind me every day what matters most. Yes, there is wisdom around you if you listen. But the greatest wisdom is within you. It’s there, and when you are very in pain, you’ll need to get quiet for a second, and humble yourself to it. Listen for your inner voice to guide you. You see, Andy, it’s not enough to have tough skin. Your exterior self will fail you from time to time. Your deepest, most interior self never will.
Roar Forward in Love Always.
Mom
